So Far, So Good...

Hello, Dear Boobjuicers and Friends!

Well, my first week at my breadwinning gig without my breastpump is behind me. I must say, the timing could not have been better. We are at the busiest point in our quarterly cycle, and it was a really crazy week. So I barely felt the expected increase in productivity from not pumping - but I cannot imagine how crazy it would have been with Bessie still in full swing! My poor pumping buddy - her kiddo is 5 months old and still boobjuice only, so she is pumping four times a day, rushing to day care to pick up her baby, *and* just as busy as me. She was glad to hear I was not pumping because she was about to be really annoyed with me for looking so calm. Fair enough! (But I also fake it well, I think.) So let's all say an internal cheer for my pumping buddy to get through these few weeks of chaos.

Besides this work flow consideration, I had really reached a breaking point with pumping and work stress, and the combination was making me just too upset to continue. I'm sure if it was medically necessary for my Kiddo I would have found a way. But I really felt like I couldn't do it anymore, and four or five moms at work (including the president of our company) remarked that they had not pumped so long and they admired my persistence. I don't know anyone else who was still pumping at work at 14 months. Which I say not to toot my own horn, but sort of defensively, to say, "It really is okay for me to stop now." So I was ready, if terrified, to let go of the pumping and take the (objectively small but emotionally large) risk that it might threaten my boobjuicing partnership with my kiddo, in order to keep from having a major meltdown.

As for my dudelet, he is doing really well with the transition. Hubby eased him into moo juice by mixing it with me juice (a number of boobjuicers suggested this) and increasing the moo juice concentration over time. Dudelet is now willing to take straight moo juice, albeit still in a bottle (eh. not gonna be picky on this point... he takes water from a straw or a sippy cup.) Hubby still warms up the moo juice to body temperature.

My fears of losing my milk production due to the decreased frequency of draining the girls have not materialized. As many of you told me they would not. I have a tendency to fear what would hurt me most even if there is absolutely no reasonable expectation that this event would occur. So, for example, I'm fairly terrified that someone is going to chuck my kiddo down the garbage chute. Which of course no one is going to do. But it would break my heart, so I'm afraid of the garbage chute. I'm a strange little bird. But I digress.

This post is going to get fairly explicit on boobjuicing technique and breast details from here, so if you are feeling squeamish, maybe skip this one.

The first couple days of this week I came home at lunch and pumped or nursed, so that I wouldn't go from 7 to 7 with no activity. By Wednesday I was ready to try it, but I wore a nice, thick bra and stuck some soft fabric in it in case I leaked. Which I did not. My breasts got a little sore with this transition but not engorged or painful. Today I had a plugged duct, which I have had before. I went hunting for it with a sterilized safety pin but couldn't be sure I'd found the right one.* So then I soaked it under a very warm, wet washcloth for a bit and had kiddo help me out by nursing (even though it wasn't a particularly nursey moment of the day, he was happy to comply - such a sweetie!) and the duct drained fairly well so I think it's okay. I'll keep an eye on it this weekend so it doesn't turn into a mastitis, and keep pushing the fluids. The last time I had a plugged duct I did this same procedure with opening it up and then drained it into a baby bottle and got like an ounce and a half. Which was fascinating to me, as a weirdo.

So I'm feeling a little less nervous, although I was very anxious when I realized I had a plugged duct and got fairly (unreasonably) annoyed with Hubby for not being instantly able to tell me where my sewing box is in our apartment and storage unit. I think I'm getting better at remaining chill in the face of something anxious making, and remembering that everything is going to be okay, but the stakes have been raised so greatly by being a parent that the net result is less chill. That is to say, maybe I'm 50% less panicky per unit if how much it matters, but it matters 300% as much as before Kiddo, so the result is 150% of the pre-Kiddo level of anxiety. (I like math. It helps me process things in my goofy head.)

Much love!
Suzi


*I AM NOT ADVOCATING THIS PRACTICE. DO NOT SUE ME. Go read "The Nursing Mother's Companion" for yourself, or call your lactation consultant or boobjuice-friendly doctor.

A Transition Approacheth

Hello Dear Boobjuicers and Friends!

This week finds me approaching a transition, methinks. Kiddo is pushing 14 months old. I do NOT want to stop breastfeeding, but man o man am I ready to be done with pumping four times in the work day. And my nipples are just plain tired. He's chewing on me and I'm having trouble retraining his latch. He's old enough for moo juice. I want to get him on (organic) cow's milk for his mid-day servings and just nurse him morning and night and on demand for comfort. So there's two things here. The small one: we have to work up the courage to give him some cow's milk. When he was accidentally exposed to cow's milk well before one year of age, he puked it all back up again. Poor little guy. But in the past couple weeks we've tested yogurt and cheese with no ill effect (he even seems to like them), and the time has come.

Here's the second, larger thing. I'm terrified that he'll wean himself completely when we do this. Now, this fear is basically groundless. He's already on bottles when I'm at work. (Yes, we know to wean the bottle when we move to cow's milk. He's using sippy cups too.) We had a couple of challenging moments figuring out good habits with the bottle such that he didn't start chewing on me, but we didn't have any real trouble with his refusing the breast because it didn't go fast enough any more (low flow nipples ladies! Low low low!!!) He still comfort nurses when he's tired and fussy if I'm around. And lots of other nursing mamas have shared their stories with me and none of them have indicated that introducing cow's milk caused any trouble with nursing.

So, I think this fear is really about two things (hm, today's post seems to be brought to you by the number two): One, I feel guilty wanting to stop pumping. My lactation consultant back in California discourages dairy. I'm sure she has lots of good reasons, and frankly there's a lot of anecdotal evidence out there that a lot of cow's milk is not such a great thing. Plus there's the standard dose of breadwinning mama guilt - feeling guilty for not being home with kiddo all day, feeling more guilty for preferring to be the breadwinner over being the primary child care giver. Secondly, I know I'll be heartbroken when he doesn't want to nurse anymore. Well, okay, I *predict* that I will be heartbroken. Who knows, maybe he'll be four years old and I'll be totally done with it, or maybe I'll be pregnant (no we're not currently trying for Kiddo II) and my boobs will hurt and I won't want to nurse anymore, or they won't hurt but the protokiddo in my belly will console me for Kiddo wanting to stop. Who knows. But at the moment, I am looking in the face of they hypothetical (if probably totally imagined) possibility of Kiddo stopping nursing because I stopped pumping, and it brings a lump to my throat. Right now, while I'm typing.

So, we're going to try the cow's milk this week, and I'll keep pumping 4x/day for now. And when he's on the cow's milk during the day, I'll probably cut down gradually - three times for a week, then two times, then see what happens. But meanwhile, I could use your prayers and good mojo, 'cause I'm a scared little mama. I feel silly for it, but there it is.

Wide eyed in the corner, with love,
Suzi