News Flash

Parenting is hard.

I'll wait while you recover from the shock of this brand new information.

Robert and I had a really tough morning. We both freaked out and I behaved about as well as he did. So I do not feel awesome about that. I then confessed myself to the preschool teacher, who presumably would call child protective services if I had in fact turned into a monster. She chuckled at that suggestion. I confessed to several coworkers, my husband, a dear friend, and a few Starbucks workers (note to self - go back and put more money in tip jar) just to be sure. None of them appeared shocked, made moves towards a phone, or, in some cases, seemed to understand why I was telling them this. But they were all very gracious and kind.

Sigh.

After numerous kind souls said assorted versions of calm the eff down, I seem to have at least distracted myself enough to act like a vaguely normal person for the rest of the day. I even got a little work done. And we had arranged child care for the evening, so I went to see Frozen. (I liked it. Too scary for our kiddos though.) So I got a time out. Which of course made me miss my kiddos terribly. I wanted to come home and cuddle them. But I was supposed to be having a break. Hence the movie. How else was I going to get through a whole evening of break? Sigh. I refer you to my post on why all the mamas are crazy, here. Tonight was another shining example of this phenomenon. Not that I needed any more of those.

Each time I have a moment like this, I think, this is That Seminal Moment where I will Learn the Valuable Thing and Henceforth Be Transformed. And sometimes it kinda is for a bit. And then something changes, for the harder, and there's another Seminal Moment. And I'm all mad at myself for not Learning My Lesson the previous n times, where n is large. And this leads to Capitalizing All The Things. Which is really not good prose.

I'm trying to learn to be more gentle with myself. I kinda suck at it. But if nothing else, I certainly don't want my kiddos to be as hard on themselves as I am on me. So there's that. Either learn how to treat myself gently, or learn how to fake it really convincingly.

Okay, wine poured, bathtub a-calling. I want a hot tub. A lot. I bet I can get a psychiatrist to write me a prescription for one so I can pay for it with flex spending dollars...

Much love always,
Suzi

Going Back to the (other) Job

Hello beloved readers!

I hope you are all well and enjoying a lovely start to 2014. I'm back to the "grind," which makes me chuckle, because it is so much easier than staying home with two small children. Seriously. None of my coworkers has EVER pooped on the floor in my office. Just for comparison.

But that doesn't mean going back to the breadwinning gig after maternity leave is easy. Not at all. I'm pretty sure we all cry. Possibly more than the first day. Possibly the first month. I believe in trusting your mama instincts, and if you decide to give it up, I ain't gonna judge you. But, I will say this. One, it's worth giving it a real try, like at least six weeks, because this is a BIG readjustment. Remember you can quit in a heartbeat but coming back is harder if you decide it wasn't the right decision. And two, there are a LOT of things you can do to ease the transition. Here are a few ideas.

Weeks before resuming the breadwinning gig:
So, if you're going back tomorrow, do NOT let this section freak you out. In fact, just scroll past it. No sense getting upset over what you can't do.
But if you have a while, read this bit.

• Start pumping as soon as you can stand it. NOT sooner than you can stand it, mind you. If it's only two weeks out when you can finally find all the parts of your pump and hand the baby to someone else long enough to use it, then so be it. But it will be easier to accumulate a stash the sooner you start, and you'll have an easier time finding a few pockets of time to pump if you start earlier in the day. Most mamas make more milk in the morning, too. "But baby is ALWAYS on the boob!" Yeah, they do that. Try pumping one side while nursing the other. Remember you can pump and then nurse almost immediately. Baby might be annoyed if the milk comes out slower where you just pumped, but baby will not starve.
• Accumulate a stash or form a back-up plan. Donor milk? Formula? Whatever it is, know before you have to get on the train to work, if at all possible. Also realize you only need ONE day of milk the first day you're gone. You'll almost certainly get more milk when you're away from baby all day than when you're sneaking in sessions between nursing and trying to pee alone. It's very comforting to have more, but not strictly necessary. Also there are a lot of resources on how much is one day of milk, how much to give at a feeding - this is at LEAST one more blog post, so I shan't cover it now. But there are tips and tricks to be had.
• Go to the office/plant/school and figure out where you're going to pump. Nurse in that spot if you can, to help your lizard brain form an association between that location and making breastmilk. Do you work out of a car? Get a car charger for your pump and window shades or a nursing cover. 
• Talk to your boss about your return. More ideas below, but in particular, make sure they understand that you will need a little while to get back up to your awesome pre-baby level of productivity, but that you are eager to return and appreciate their understanding. Note that this is a good line to take even if Boss is being an asshat, because always taking the high road will serve you well in negotiations, and if, heaven forfend, you find yourself having to file some sort of official complaint later. If you even slightly suspect this might happen (or perhaps even if you don't), it would be good to keep notes about your conversation and/or create a "paper trail" by following up with an email.

First Day Back

• Come back on a Wednesday, or part time for a couple weeks. Going from zero to full time in one step is even more exhausting and confusing than ramping up slowly. If your work will accommodate it, try to come back 3-4 days a week at first, with a break in the middle, not mon-thurs. If that's not an option, set your first day back for the middle of the work week, so you get a short first week.
• Expect to be useless your first day back. Between the emotional adjustment, figuring out your pumping routine, and remembering how to use your frontal lobe for something besides when you can manage to shower, you are unlikely to cross off your typical number of todos on this day. My first day back after kid 2, my computer refused to work all day, which frankly I took as a blessing. I had someone else to blame for my utter lack of productivity!
• Put your pumping sessions in your calendar as busy. If you don't want to announce to the world what you are doing, call them "mama breaks" or mark them private (if this is on a computer). This is not something that others can ask you to defer or skip. This is an appointment, and everyone else can work around it. Period. If ER Docs can pump, your work can let you pump too. (And I know two docs who have pumped on ER shifts.)
• Find your allies. These could be other moms to vent to. These could be non-parents or dads who are sympathetic to your situation. Could be HR. Whatever it takes, it helps to know that you are not alone, and someone is in your corner.

Going Along

• Always ask for what you need, politely, unapologetically, and as far in advance as possible. This works remarkably well. We women tend to apologize for even taking up oxygen. This is not necessary. You might have to explain and/or negotiate, though. For example, a sales person hosting me for a meeting once suggested I pump in the bathroom. Ew. I said, "Well, it's food. You wouldn't make a sandwich in there." He said, "Oh. I hadn't thought of that." Totally innocent, not intending to be gross, just totally unfamiliar with the concept. (I ended up in a perfectly comfortable file room.)
• Do not be shy or ashamed. You have no more reason to feel this way about providing your milk for your baby than you did about having the baby in the first place. Just be matter of fact and most folks will be happy to accommodate.
• Take it one day at a time. I know, I know, I just told you to do all this advanced planning. But I found myself staring at every drop of milk that came out, thinking about business trips that were weeks off. Not good for my psyche. Trust that you and your baby are going to be fine, and figure out what is in front of you first. You don't have to solve tomorrow, it isn't here yet.
• Be proud of every drop of mama milk you give your kiddo. Don't beat yourself up over a bit of formula or the possibility of using donor milk. Every ounce of liquid gold is a win. Just focus on that.
• Be creative. Can your caregiver bring your baby to nurse on lunch breaks? Can you get kiddo to daycare 15 minutes early to nurse one more time? Can you tell the caregiver that you'll text when you're on your way and you'll want to nurse when you arrive, so please don't feed kiddo or if you just fed kiddo let me know and I'll pump first? Communication helps!

Always

Be proud of the awesome job you are doing. Reach out for help when you need it. Know that lots of mamas are there with you and we got your back!

Much love,

Suzi