Dearest readers,
So, I have some news. (Not injury or illness, so exhale, and
thanks.) And I don’t quite know how to
share it. So I’ll just blurt it out.
On May 1st, I told my husband of 16 years,
partner of 20, that I am divorcing him. It was the hardest thing I have ever
done, including birthing a 9lb+ baby and holding my father’s hand while he
died. The ensuing period has been the most intense I can recount. I would have
liked to share this information with you sooner, but I wasn’t ready to do so in
a calm and dignified manner.
This decision was not made quickly, rashly, or lightly. It
was not selfish, bad for the kids, or based on an extramarital relationship. We
have had a long standing struggle which over the years we have worked on with
varying degrees of intensity and via various methods (mostly therapy). Tons of
therapy, tons of help from family and friends. We tried until it was killing
me. And then, even then, it took me another six months to finally admit to
myself that it was over and I needed to end it.
He is not a Bad Person. He is a good person. I am not a bad
person, I am a good person. We are not suited to each other, in fundamental and
irrevocable ways. Nothing “happened,” in that there wasn’t one precipitating
event that ended an otherwise functional marriage. We both did shitty things.
Probably my side of the shitty behavior scale is heavier over the past two
years. I’m not sure there’s much point in speculating whose side of the shitty
behavior scale is heavier over the whole 20 year relationship. The point is, if
we’re with the right person, we won’t behave that way. I’m not naïve
enough to think I couldn’t make the same mistakes again. Everyone has the capacity
to be an asshole, and I need to be very careful to continue healing, growing,
and learning about and loving myself, so that I don’t find myself right back in
the same situation with someone who on the surface looked different enough to
be not the same guy.
In anticipation of some frequently asked questions, I offer
the following. Kids: our children are on a 50/50 schedule with us, always both
kids. They are adjusting well, certainly with some normal stress and
accordingly difficult behavior. They are already showing signs of being
accustomed to the housing switches and I think they seem happier although of
course it could be that everything seems happier now that I am happier. We know
that a two house schedule might not work for them forever, and we will continue
to act in the best interest of the entire, now binuclear, family.
I am very proud of how well we have handled our divorce. We
are a team to co-parent these children. We are a team to help Robert navigate
the world from the perspective of a quirky little genius. We are not asking
anyone to take sides. My mother, five minutes into our phone conversation when
I told her this news, asked if she could call Matt and say she still wanted to
be his mother in law. She has since repeatedly declared her pride in how
“gentlemanly” we have both been during the whole thing. We are hurt. We are
angry. We are scared. We feel a lot of unpleasant things. I for one am
scrambling to furnish a house (NOT my comparative advantage) and establish new
normal routines, while continuing to keep up with my full time career and solo
parent my adorable, challenging children, all while processing the huge
emotional upheaval of ending a 20 year partnership. But I am happy to report,
with perhaps a couple of ugly moments during negotiations in the counselor’s
office, we are not trying to tear chunks out of each other and we are
absolutely not asking anyone to get divorced but us. We are not fighting in
front of the children or asking them to take sides. We are both determined to
do the absolute best by these kids we can.
I hope I get back the friend whom I called my best friend
for almost 20 years. I don’t know if I will. We both hurt too much right now to
try. But we have moments of connection about our beautiful children which give
me a glimmer of hope. Perhaps. Either way, I wish him all the best. He is a
wonderful father and a beautiful person, and I hope he will be happy again,
soon.
I never knew what friends I had until this. People came out
of the woodwork to support me when my father died. Northeast Indianapolis
brought deli trays when Matt’s parents died. Many things have surprised me in
how blessed we are. But nothing like this. I have received extensive housing
before I bought my new house. I have
cried in my colleagues’ offices. I have texted and messaged with people at all
hours. I have only received three hurtful comments, and all of them I
understood (they were sort of blatantly obvious) to be about that person’s
personal experience or level of understanding of human relationships. Almost no
one has written Matt off – even people who clearly were “on my side” checked on
him to make sure he’s okay. I have the absolute best sister and brother (in
law) on the planet. Friends I assumed would drop me like a hot potato have
hugged me and told me they are here if I need them. Friends have helped me move and fix up my
place, watched my kids so I can pack, offered to take me drinking (custody and
work schedule doesn’t leave a lot of room for partying but the offers were
appreciated). The good and loving and supportive have outweighed the petty and
the disappointing and the hurtful by orders of magnitude, and I am so very
grateful.
Please feel free to ask questions. I’m not the fastest
correspondent in normal times and right now, whoo nelly, I sort of fall behind
on email for two weeks and then have a huge burst of communicativeness. But if
you can be patient, I can be honest, unless they are not my answers to give.
I will always be okay again eventually, until I’m dead. It’s
what I do.
As always, I am grateful for your notice and support.
Much love,
Suzi
