Hello Dear Boobjuicers and Friends!
I am insane. I just spent four days solo parenting, had a lovely and frustrating and exhausting and wonderful time, and was so excited to get Matt back tonight... and now I'm mad because he stole bedtime. Which I asked him to do so I could have a quiet minute to myself. I've been "away" from Robert (read: in the next room) for a whopping fifteen minutes, and I miss him. I miss this kid who I literally spent the entirety of four days with - if he was awake, we were together, if he was asleep, I had him on the baby monitor or was possibly asleep on his floor. (Our couch seat cushions make a remarkably comfortable portable bed.) I got a two hour break last night because I had tired myself out to the point that I thought I was going to barf (shouldn't have done those 8 loads of laundry over three days and still made pea soup? or just pregnant?) and my sweet, compassionate sister and brother-in-law rushed right over on their way home from Seattle (literally I called them while they were just getting off the train) and scooped Robert up to get me a break. Have I mentioned how much I love living in the same building with them? A lot. Several hundred dollars a month worth, apparently, given our not moving to a cheaper building when our lease was up and we realized we weren't ready to buy a house. But then that was mostly about, "Why would I move out of my sister's building right before giving birth?" which clearly was inspired brilliance. (I just re-read this paragraph to look for a way to break it into two, to spare my dear readers from the mania which is my brain. No logical place to stop it. Just like my brain.)
Phew. So motherhood has clearly broken my brain. Which was not that unbroken to start with. I come from odd folk. Nerdy, good hearted, with a lot of integrity. But we are weird. And parenthood ain't helping. I feel like five people I love have tied ropes around my brain and are pulling it in different directions, and I'm in the middle, being just plain tired. And confused. And conflicted. And we're having another one. On purpose. What the heck were we thinking? We are going to be totally outgunned. I have friends with 3 kids, or even four, or God bless her five boys and homeschooling (you know who you are!) and all I can think is that I am just not made out of the same stuff as these people. They are made out of energy and love and strength and patience and amazing budgeting skills, and I am made out of anxiety and fatigue. And sugar, apparently. And love. I do love my kids. I love my Robert and my little protoperson who is busy trying out different kickboxing moves on my bladder. I love them so fiercely I don't know myself sometimes.
Friday I screwed up naptime and Robert was a mess all afternoon/evening, and I lost my cool and yelled at him, and he looked just wounded. And I sent him to play in his room, and washed the dishes and cried and felt like flinging myself off the balcony. (Which I will NOT do, please no one freak out.) And he came back out and was all sweet and clearly still liked me and I felt like I didn't deserve it because I had yelled. Which is ridiculous. People yell. Parents yell. Even good parents. Even parents who get along really well with their kids. And since we are so opposed to hitting, that pretty much leaves us yelling and time outs for enforcement (and taking stuff away but sometimes you can't - how do I take away the kitchen counter? It's kind of heavy.)
Ugh. I'm just exhausted and hormonal and need a weekend to get over my weekend, at it's 10pm and I have to get up at 6 and go to work. Where no one is going to torture the cat or get a time out. Or if they do it's not my job to do anything about it. But really I just want to curl up in a ball and hide for a day and a half.
All of which is STILL ridiculous because I really had a fun weekend and enjoyed having Robert all to myself - I almost never get to spend so much time with him.
Maybe it's more like ten people with ropes around my brain.
Here's hoping y'all had a more emotionally simple Memorial Day weekend.
Much love,
Suzi
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