Karmic Bitchslap?

So, genius with the hotpads aside, I am once again having trouble keeping up with Ms. Jackie's milk needs during the work day. I got up at 2 am Saturday and Sunday to pump, I get up at 5 am almost every work day, I pump three times at work, and I rush home to nurse her as soon as I can. And yet the freezer stash dwindles.

There are lots of tricks left to try. More nursey lunch breaks. More taking Wednesday off, as work permits. I'm already encouraging her to nurse more at night, putting her to the breast at the slightest squirm. And we will start the rice cereal this week. But I keep hearing my head (and my fellow mama coworkers) telling me, what's one can of formula?

What indeed. In my head, it's Chinese rocket fuel and deadly bacteria. But as millions as American babies annually attest, those are the exceptions, not the rules. Like it or not, lots of babies grow up on formula, and very, very few of them are poisoned. But won't it further damage my supply? Maybe. But if she only gets it when I'm not home and there's nothing else in the house, then that wasn't an opportunity to nurse, that was just an opportunity for Matt to get howled at by a hungry baby.

I can't help but feel that this is God's way of letting me know how I may have made a lot of mamas feel with my sanctimonious anti-formula rants. And while I maintain many of my material points, that formula companies employ unethical, woman-undermining marketing tactics, that our society needs to be more breastfeeding supportive, and that people in general need to get over boobs, I see now that sometimes it really is necessary. Whether it will be for us I don't know yet. I'm still hoping to avoid it.

But in the mean time, Mamas, I am well and truly sorry. Karmic bitchslap received, and deserved. I am totally wrought over this impending possible decision point, and I feel awful.

I love all of you and your beautiful babies very much.

Suzi

Supply Break Through?

AHA! No, not the band. I have struck upon pure inspiration! I have been pumping for most of an HOUR this morning (I'm crazy, it's true) in the midst of my ongoing battle to keep up with Ms. Jackie's developmental-leap-inspired appetite increase, and trying to massage a second letdown out of the girls. I remembered what my acupuncturist said - that things that bring bloodflow to the chest will help with production. So I nuked my "booby tubes" (just specially shaped hot pads) and wrapped them (awkwardly) around the ladies outside my modified jog bra hands free pumping device. VOILA! Another let down. I'm so excited to see if this works consistently. Maybe I could pump less crazy lengths of time at 5 am! But I'm still totally drinking that fancy root beer.

Oof.

Hello Dear Readers!

Let's see when we left off, I had just started back to work, yes? WHOOOSH! A month has snuck past me with no blog entry and very little in the way of any non-work, non-kid related anything. I figured my two weeks of part time schedule in the holiday season when no one was paying attention anyway would ease me right back into the whole breadwinning scene without a hitch. It was helpful to be sure, but the return to full time is still jarring, and I was reminded by my hypnotherapist (more on that later) that no, it'll take probably three months to feel well transitioned into the whole work thing. Rather than feeling discouraged, I found this reassuring - I don't have to feel like I should be handling it better yet.

Not that I'm handling it *so* poorly. Just more anxious, more prone to random bouts of cranky (sorry Honey!), and less smooth and self assured than I had in mind. Ah well. This too shall pass. And then something else will come up I'm sure, chuckle.

Meanwhile, pumping four times on work days is as much fun as I remembered, which would be not very. In order to keep up with Jackie and not have Matt digging into the freezer stash, I have to get up before her in the morning and pump for half an hour. Lots of mamas get larger quantities faster than I do, research has shown. (And by research I mean I've talked to a few moms about it.) But that's how long it takes me to get as much as is going to happen at that time. It's worth the time because if Jackie has slept through the night, which she does sometimes, I can get 5-6 ounces at these morning sessions when the girls are super full. Also, it provides a rare opportunity to sit quietly by myself in the living room at my computer accomplishing something. Not that I wouldn't rather sleep for another hour, but it's peaceful, and helpful, and makes up a non-trivial amount for the hassle of getting up an hour before the baby says I have to.

Then in whatever order baby dictates, I nurse, eat, swallow the absurd quantity of supplements I have to take, shower, dress, pack lunch if I haven't the night before, maybe nurse again, and go to work. So far I haven't managed to get there at eight, which would be my preference, but I have made several eight-thirty meetings and calls without major incident. I have one on Friday with an investment team in London, so say "smooth morning" prayers for me.

I pump three times during the work day, unless I get lucky and have the family visit me at lunch time and nurse then. Usually it's approximately 10:30, 1:30, and 4:30. Each time I have the pump running for maybe 20-25 minutes, although I've been known to get distracted on my computer or get greedy about trying to get more milk and let it go for 30. (I don't think that last 5 minutes of 30 gets me anything but I am collecting data on this point and will let you know.) With my big stock of pump parts, cleanup is a breeze, so I can do this routine in 40-45 minutes, round trip. Which makes me wonder about these mamas who get a strict half hour break as required by law and no longer. Hopefully none of them are slow pumpees like me, but I bet some of them are. Presumably the answer to that is to spend one's whole lunch hour strapped to the pump? But if it's a union, hourly gig, that might be a half hour too? Anyone in such a position care to comment?

And all of this might produce less than Jackie has consumed during my work day, which means I get to get out of bed early on at least one weekend day to replenish the stash. But at least on those days I can sneak back into bed afterwards. If Robert doesn't wake up in the mean time. I maintain that it's worth it and I'm happier this way than I would be supplementing with formula. But I give props to any mamas out there who are in a similar situation and thoroughly sick of their breastpumps. One mama at work is almost done pumping for her third kiddo and says she's going to run her pump over with her car when she's done. (It's a Medela, so not really re-usable with another mom, or would have suggested donating it and just drop-kicking the personal accessory parts.)

A coworker knocked on my (locked) door the other day while I was pumping, not noticing my little sign, and then walked next door into my neighbor's empty office and called to ask me a question. I reacted a little "Dude, don't bust down my door, can't you read the sign?" and he was a little startled. I bet the whole incident has fallen out of his head since, but I wonder if perhaps I was a touch testier than necessary. So even us brazen lactivists get startled more easily when pumping, it seems. Less so than when the baby visits - she's cuter than Sukie the Hygeia EnJoy.

Lastly an update on the plugged ducts. They went on, almost entirely in the right breast, for a week or two. I used hot pads, baths, showers, ibuprofen, and am on lots of lecithin, in addition, of course, to just frequent nursing and pumping. They always resolved without turning into a mastitis, knock wood, but I noticed a reduced output from that side, as did Jackie, judging by her frustration with that breast, which is still going on over a week after the last noticeable plug resolved. I freaked out and called my lactation consultant, "Have I shut down my right breast???" She assured me that sometimes after any noticeable plugs are resolved, there is still a bit of coagulated milk in there causing a slowdown, and possibly some swelling. I should give that side extra attention and drain the breasts more frequently if I can, and see if it doesn't clear up soon. Phew!

Also tried a larger flange size on the pump. Was more comfortable but got less output, which means they are too big. Which, frankly, is a good thing, because it means all those extra parts I bought so I wouldn't have to wash at work are not wasted. I tried spreading the coconut oil further up the breast with the smaller flange size and that is helping with the comfort issue.

Lot of data this week! Hope some of it is useful or of interest to you. Happy boobjuicing all!

Much love,

Suzi

Milk and Donuts

Hello Dear Readers,

Well, Sukie and I went to the office on Monday! I was excited. After Robert was born, I felt guilty for feeling excited to get back to my breadwinning gig. But this time not so much. Perhaps it's because I see now that Robert is doing just great being raised by his excellent (although lactation challenged) father. But I also see quite clearly that I need the balance of the rent gig and the parent gig, and I haven't even felt the need to hide behind the economic necessity nearly as much this time around. I hope other mamas who need to make the donuts as well as make the milk are able to find this peace. Too many of us feel guilty or conflicted about going back to work. Staying home grumpy does not make us better mothers.

I had been mentally cautioning myself not to expect to get too much done, given that I would need to get my bearings again and slog though tons of email. Just to drive the point home, my computer wouldn't speak to my monitor all day, so I got almost nothing done. I enjoyed the cheerful welcome back wishes from my colleagues, though, and participated in our investment committee meeting. And Sukie and I did just fine. Matt brought the kiddos over at lunchtime, since I figured I wasn't getting anything done anyway I might as well nurse Jackie. Wednesday, though, I did yoga on my lunch break. It's absurdly difficult to find 40 minutes and a quiet spot to accomplish this at home in our tiny, crowded (but cozy and joyful!) apartment. So while there is barely enough room in my office for a sun salute, it still works better to do it there.

Copying the genius of my friend and colleague Mama C.C., I have ordered enough spare pump parts to get through a work day without washing any. They aren't all here yet but I am very much looking forward to the convenience of that practice. I'll get some dishwasher baskets too, so I can just toss them all in there at the end of the day and be done with it.

I hope you are all well and calmer than I am in this joyful season. Those who may be concerned that I might forget that "Jesus is the reason for the season" need not worry, as I frequently and fervently pray to get everything done without losing my mind. Also, a happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate, and let me know if you want to arrange a latke-for-gingerbread exchange. And happy Kwanza, happy Yule, happy Solstice (yay longer daylight!) and if I forgot someone please accept my general wishes for a pleasant and peaceful season.

Much love,

Suzi

Frequent Nurser Miles

Hello Dear Boobjuicers and Friends!

We just got back yesterday from a trip to see the in-laws in Indiana. I think my breasts should get their own frequent flyer miles. I mean, they are doing an important service for everyone on the plane by keeping the baby happy. Not sure Delta is going to see it that way. But they get points for the super attentive flight attendant who rushed out onto the jetway to see how he could help, as I wrestled with my behemoth stroller and my 8,000 bags. Recall I had brought Sukie the Breastpump on this trip, in case I wanted to keep up with pumping or needed relief while Jackie was sleeping. Of course Sukie only made it out of her tote bag when the TSA agent in Indianapolis thought she was part of a terrorist plot. Some women might feel similarly about their pumps, frankly. But anyway better to have her along and not need her than the other way 'round. And now that I think about it, it's in everyone's best interest to get the mama with too much stuff and a sleeping baby onto the plane as quickly and efficiently as possible, so maybe the other three flight crews on our trip should take a note from this guy...

In addition to Boobjuice Heroes, I want to share stories of Boobjuice Angels - folks who helped us while we were nursing, rather than other nursing mamas who served as examples. This week's Boobjuice Angel is the nice waitress who saw me poking ineffectively at the chicken strips in my salad with my fork while holding Jackie at the boob, and offered to cut it up for me. "Yes, that would be very helpful, thank you," I said, while I thought, "and thank you for saving me from asking you to cut my food for me, which seemed a little too... something." She quickly and effectively cut it into more manageable pieces while telling me about some nitwit who got all offended with her for nursing her son in a doctor's office waiting room. I tipped well. Got a Boobjuice Angel to tell me about? Leave me a comment!

I had a lovely conversation about breastfeeding this evening with a six year old. She is a colleague's daughter (and amazingly articulate and smart and so cute I want to put her in my pocket, but I don't think she'll fit) and I was nursing Jackie at the end of our Ladies' Christmas Ornament Exchange party. (My ornament, indulgently fetched by my dear husband, was not a hit, but I swapped with this young lady and took it back home - Robert likes it, and now the young lady likes hers better, so that made me happy.) Anyway, Young Lady had questions about how breastfeeding works, did it hurt, how come it was okay to do it in public. She wasn't comfortable using the word breast, but seemed to become more comfortable as we talked more. I hope I was able to be reassuring and make breastfeeding seem more normal for her. We need to figure out how to have young'uns understand how normal and natural breastfeeding is even if they don't have younger siblings/cousins/neighbors nursing around them all the time. I think nursing at an office Christmas party is a good start.

Ugh. I'm tired. I reread this post and it's not a sparkling example of witty prose, but I think it's what I've got in me tonight. Hope you are all well!

Much love,

Suzi

Par For the Course

Hello Dear Boobjuicers and Friends!

Both kids are napping at the same time! I should do the dishes. Or take a nap. So I'll write a blog entry. That makes the sense.

Enjoyed nursing on the Portland Streetcar this morning. Two men were brave and made smiley eye contact. Good on ya, fellas! Then we nursed in the dentist's chair during a cleaning - a bit tricky to be sure but preferable to having Jackie scream the house down. This led me to think once again of wacky nursing locations. I'm pretty sure the dental chair is my wackiest one - share yours with me in a comment! Which led me to think of locations - like blog locations. I'm probably not making the best use of blogger, but I wonder if there is somewhere more interesting to host my approximately twice monthly musings? It would also be fun to have more pages on a website - list of articles, list of places that are boobjuice friendly, topic-specific lists of links, lists of products I've found interesting/helpful. Perhaps I'm just feeling a bit listless... Ugh, sorry. Had to do it.

I have a plugged duct again. Usually these clear up on their own as long as one keeps on nursing, but this one is being stubborn. I've tried hot showers and baths, pumping, and yes, folks, I even managed to self nurse a bit to see if I could clear it. I feel pretty weird admitting that, which means everyone else probably feels even weirder, which means this is yet another subject around nursing which needs to be taken out of the closet and aired out. But anyway it didn't really accomplish anything. I also read at Dr. Newman's site that he has had success with localized ultrasound for clearing blocked ducts. Hm, what is ultrasound? Really high frequency vibrations. What else do we have around the house that vibrates? Suffice to say I don't think it worked. The thing that worked the best was going to bed and nursing side-lying until we both fell asleep. The nursing and the sleeping and the position probably all helped. Next step is some supplement starting with an L that my dear Dr. Rachael suggested. Ooo, I'm very linky today.

Pumping is going pretty well. Sukie and I are getting along. Currently I'm only running her off her internal rechargeable battery to see how long it takes to run it down. I'm planning to bring her to Indiana (visiting the in-laws) on the 8th though, so that experiment may get interrupted. Basically I don't want to go a week without pumping, just to keep supply up. I haven't decided what to do with the collected milk - will probably FedEx it home to my sister to put in the freezer. I've told a lot of breadwinning mamas to do that, so maybe I should try it to see what I'm getting these ladies into. Another possibility is to put it in the in-laws' freezer and Craig's list it for a local mama to pick up. Not sure if she would want to bother for what will probably be 9 ounces, though. Means a lot to me, but if you're going to the trouble of finding a donation and trusting a stranger, you probably want a bigger haul.

Post-partum anxiety is still a rat bastard and should be bitchslapped. I'm trying hypnotherapy. I found the hypnobirthing class did a great job reducing anxiety surrounding the birth, which went great, so why not? I know cognitive behavioral therapy is supposed to be very effective, too, but it sounds like a lot of work, and mamas, I am a busy busy lady!!! So far I like my new therapist, but I've had to bring Jackie each time, so we haven't gotten to the hypno part yet. After this week we'll probably try leaving her at home with Daddy, and the pumped milk stash as a back up. Good practice for going back to work. So I better go through the equipment in the cupboard - I bet all the nipples have aged past usefulness. Silicone is mortal, it would seem.

I go back to work 12/19, for three days a week, and 1/3/12 full time. This seems like an ideal way to ramp back up to the breadwinning. I also have the best boss at the kid-friendliest company on the planet. Okay, maybe not *the* kid-friendliest. But they let me use their dedicated lactation room at my second interview, and they throw an annual Hallowe'en party for the company kiddos. So when I said I wanted a little more leave than what was paid for, NiceBossMan said, "Just put it on the calendar so I know when to expect you." Ooo, which I haven't done yet, oops. Two other local mamas I know are not so lucky - one is going back full time from the get go (although perhaps no one suggested the "start back on a Wednesday" trick?) and the other only gets six weeks. The latter is criminal. The leave, not the mama. She seems very law abiding. But the Family Medical Leave Act promises 12 weeks, although not paid. Perhaps this is a financial decision and 6 weeks is what her company pays for. I can't imagine trying to show up showered, dressed, and coherent at 6 weeks. Tell me your return to work stories, mamas!

Ah, hubby is home. Maybe I'll go try to look useful, or take a nap, or help put groceries away.

Much love,

Suzi

Me and Sukie at the Crack 'o (three hours until) Dawn

Hello Dear Boobjuicers and Friends!

It's 4:45 here in Stumptown, and of course pitch black out. I'm up with the other dairy farmers, pumping and hoping that I get to finish before Jackie wakes up hungry. Okay the other dairy farmers probably aren't worried about the baby cows waking up. And they are probably outside in the chilly air, so really I have it good.

Long-time readers may recall that I named my previous breastpump, a Medela Pump in Style, Bessie. Well, for reasons to be explored in another entry, Bessie has been put out to pasture, and I now have Sukie, a Hygeia EnJoye... something. There's a number after that. But it has an internal, rechargable battery, which is good, because I couldn't find an extension cord this morning to be able to plug it in to the fancy child-proof socket covers that Hubby has diligently installed throughout the living/kitchen/dining/playroom. (I did mention our current apartment is rather... efficient, didn't I?) Anyway, I was tearing around like a madwoman looking for where the heck Hubby has stored the extension cords and getting more and more upset when I realized, hey, this thing is supposed to be able to run without being plugged in. Which it is now doing like a little champ next to me as I type. And I'm sure Matt put the extension cords somewhere very sensible, which is why I can't find them in my anxious pre-pre-pre-dawn state. Or better yet I probably put that one somewhere and forgot. Or Kiddo relocated it to under a cat. Who knows. But the whole thing made me super anxious.

Okay, yes, I have post-partum anxiety and everything makes me anxious. But for some reason pumping tends to make me anxious, even when I'm not as anxious about other things. For Robert, I sort of constantly had barely enough milk in the fridge and freezer, and just when I thought I'd caught ahead, he'd have a growth spurt, or Matt would start feeding him another half ounce in a feeding, and the supply would disappear faster than donuts in an office kitchen. Add to that the 45 minute commute on the LA freeway (45 minutes was in good traffic) and the last round of PPA, and the whole experience was less than spa-like. I think mostly I'm just worried about having enough. It's also sort of unrelaxing that things aren't in a routine yet, I just have to hope that I'll wake up before Jackie's hungry in the morning enough times to collect enough before going back to work. I'm not getting the sort of amounts that I used to get at my early morning pumping sessions, or even that I got when I first started pumping this time. Probably just a normal function of supply waxing and waning, and how long ago I nursed, and being tired. As a "trained peer counselor" I have lots of places to look for ideas on that. But it makes me anxious too. (I hope it's not a difference in the pump... seems unlikely as this thing is working fine and I got more at a couple sessions.)

As much as I like to march around advocating for pumping and working outside the home, I gotta say, it's no picnic, and I totally want to acknowledge that for any other mamas feeling the same way.

I hear Jackie again... better proofread and get things wrapped up here with Sukie.

Much love,

Suzi