The New Boobjuicer Blahs

Hello Dear Boobjuicers and Friends!

I just received the following comment on a previous post from a new mama whose kiddo is about two months old:

I've been feeling somewhat down on breastfeeding. It just seems like it's more of a hassle to breastfeed than to formula feed. People are more comfortable with a bottle than a boob. Last weekend I nursed in public for the first time. I refuse to nurse in a bathroom anymore. What do you usually tell people if breastfeeding makes them uncomfortable?

I wrote such a huge reply that Google wouldn't post it as a comment, so here it is, even larger now:

I think we have all had this moment. There are a lot of reasons why new mamas (and even repeat mamas, I hear told) get discouraged or exasperated. It can be uncomfortable. We have to learn to be okay with whipping out the girls in public - something we have been discouraged from doing since well before there was anything to whip out. And I think pretty much all of us, at some point, get annoyed with our co-parent that he or she could, theoretically, sleep through the night, and we can't. So I will start by saying what I and many other mamas have said before: I promise, it is worth it.

There are sort of two things to address here, so I'll take them separately. The first one is the comfort issue. I think you mean emotionally and socially comfortable (although if you mean physically comfortable let me know - lots of help available for that). I think the real answer is to examine what it is that makes you uncomfortable. Is it the bare breasted aspect of it? Is it that you think your baby is bothering someone by crying that she is hungry? Is it that you think other people think you are weird for breastfeeding?

When Kiddo was a brand new little dude, I was at first very shy and apologetic about breastfeeding, and then went into this sort of in-your-face mode of being assertive that it was okay to breastfeed in public. I found after a while that a lot of my militant lactivism was actually a defensive reaction based on an assumption that everyone was looking at me funny for nursing in public. In fact, the vast majority of people weren't paying me any attention at all. A small sub-group were looking at me in a "yay she's breastfeeding!" way, with friendly smiles. And a smaller sub-group looked, freaked out, and looked away. This is probably the group that has you nervous? While they would be more comfortable if you were using a bottle, that's their problem, not yours. You're not nursing in front of a huge camera broadcasting into their living room, you're not nursing in their home, and you're probably not nursing anywhere they can't just choose to look away. It's a sad comment on American prudishness that they are more comfortable watching you feed your kid something so nutritionally inferior out of a plastic bottle than watching you do something perfectly natural, which you were designed by God and nature to do. And sadly, this is far from the last time that someone who parents or imagines they would parent differently from you is going to be uncomfortable with your choices. Even if you didn't breastfeed, you would have to learn to ignore people's judgements of your parenting. It's a sad fact, and breastfeeding is a great opportunity to learn to handle it in an area where you are more sure of yourself than you might be when it's time outs, or letting the kid cry in the grocery store, or whatever it's going to be.

Lastly, there probably are still one or two people out there who see a woman breastfeeding, pull a face, and make a snotty comment to their companions, "oh mah gah, I canNOT beLIEVE she is DOING THAT!" These people are lame jerks who really need to get a hobby. They are not worth your bother, except maybe to sit up straighter, pull your own face that says "Darn tootin' I am, and my boobs are nicer than yours too, so BRING IT!" Seriously, totally not worth your time. These people probably think pregnant women should hide under burlap sacks and never go out of doors. They need therapy and you are best served to ignore them, or laugh at them quietly to yourself.

I nursed everywhere without apology after a while. I made two exceptions - church and the workplace, the former being full of tiny little old men who I figured might actually have a heart attack, and the latter being somewhere that someone really couldn't leave without risking their livelihood. Eventually I realized the tiny old men didn't even care and nursed in church once or twice. Of course it's up to you to decide what you are comfortable with, but I would encourage you to think of your breastfeeding as not only every bit as publicly appropriate as a bottle, but as a way to say to all who might see you just how dedicated you are to giving your kiddo the very best possible.

That said, if you still feel ambivalent, try a nursing cover up. I have one to spare if you want it - Kiddo hated it and now I'm so brazen I probably wouldn't even bother for the hypothetical next one. If you really just feel shy about your breasts, this will help. After a while you may become more comfortable with the idea though - half the people on the planet have breasts or will have them, and much of the other half was nursed with breasts, or is otherwise fond of them. Very, very few people leer at a breastfeeding woman in a sexual way - if they are pervy enough to leer sexually, the baby usually turns them off.

Some people will think you are weird for breastfeeding, and more so the older your kid gets. They are wrong. They represent an opportunity for you to demonstrate how totally together, thoughtful, normal women like you choose breastfeeding for a lot of reasons, none of which are weird. They may very well appreciate one day that you made it easier for them to breastfeed or support their partner in breastfeeding. I say this from personal experience. I used to be uncomfortable around breastfeeding women, and I remember thinking my friend was weird for nursing her toddler. Boy I hope she didn't notice, but if she did, I am so, so sorry, and so very grateful now for her example.

Once I got more comfortable about breastfeeding, I was able to observe more objectively the reactions around me. So many mamas smiling nostalgically, which was so, so nice. Some people even made supportive comments, which might feel a little awkward at first but is really very sweet. Hosts making sure I was comfortable, fetching me pillows and glasses of water. Mamas encouraging their little ones to give me room or privacy if I wanted it. A pastor even said a prayer of gratitude for my ability to nourish my child. The zeitgeist is swinging back towards this miraculous gift you have to give your child, and you get to be a part of that wave. Yes, I am getting a bit carried away, but hey, just use me as a yard stick - you're not nearly as weird as me yet so you must be okay, right?

As to hassle, I think learning to nurse is harder than learning to use formula, but once you've got the hang if it, it's way easier. Think how much junk you have to gather together to go anywhere with your little one. Now imagine that you had to also guess how much Kiddo would want to eat, make sure you had enough clean bottles to serve that much, possibly mix the formula before you go or have to worry about whether you would be comfortable with the water supply while you were out (maybe you're not squeemish about tap water but some mamas are) and then haul all that extra stuff around with you. Also you have to keep ahead on formula supply at home or make late night trips to the store when you run out, and that stuff is expensive! And don't even get me started on traveling. I loved how easy it was to feed Kiddo when we were on an airplane, and of course this also soothed his ears during takeoff and landing.

Obviously I am biased and have a bit of an agenda, but I think breastfeeding is extremely rewarding, much easier than formula feeding, and something to be totally proud of, not shy about. I bet you will soon feel much more comfortable.

Good luck and happy breastfeeding!

Much love,
Suzi