Weaning, Whining, and Who's Next

Dear Boobjuicers and Friends,

No, I'm not pregnant. But the twinkle in my eye is getting mighty bright.

I am quite determined to do everything I can to enable a hypothetical second kiddo to come out the main exit, rather than my poor little dude who had to come out the emergency escape hatch in a babyectomy (more commonly known as a Cesarean Section - was Caesar actually born this way? 'cause I'm pretty sure that would mean mama Caesar never got to meet him.) So today I visited a waterbirth center just a mile from my home here in Beervana. (No I'm not drinking beer.) I feel very encouraged about VBAC, and the center was lovely, and I have a feeling that this was not my midwife or my birth center. But no worries! Another appointment at another waterbirth center next week. That's right people. There are two within a five mile radius of my abode. Which doesn't even include fancy pants OHSU, which has birth tubs and midwives but won't let you VBAC in the tub (dumb dumb dumb. Who ever says insurance companies don't make medical decisions is ignoring cause and effect.) Because Portland is all that and a bag of chips. A bag of locally grown, organic chips, thankyouverymuch.

I can't deny that some of this eagerness for the second kiddo has been hastened by first Kiddo weaning (which appears to have utterly and completely taken hold at this point). But we totally wanted another one, and I had been all worried about whether I would have to wean Kiddo before he chose to do so in order to get pregnant or due to discomfort during pregnancy. And now I don't have to make that decision. I am slowly coming around to feeling grateful to the universe for helping me out on that point, as I gradually come to the realization that Kiddo did not break up with me. It felt a little like he did though, and one of my mama friends agreed with me. Another mama friend had the most totally perfect reaction - I mentioned that Robert had weaned and she said, "Oh my gosh, are you okay?" She totally got it without my having to even say, "I feel sad." That was awesome. My sweet, sweet husband has been everything that is supportive and loving (hm, syntax suffering from Jane Austen syndrome, from watching P&P and S&S while flat on my back with nasty cold...) but that is different from someone who has been there and totally gets it.

So last pregnancy I felt very anxious and vulnerable in the face of all this DATA coming STRAIGHT AT MY HEAD! all of which certainly meant that I would make the Wrong Choice and my child would suffer horribly for my ignorance. Not even a tiny bit prone to the dramatic, me, particularly me on progesterone poisoning. Nope. So this time around I have the distinct advantage of having done this before, but seeing as this could (assuming we are blessed with another kiddo) be my last ride on this merry-go-round, I want to be able to relax and enjoy it, and having squared away who is going to take care of us will be a great start. So this place was lovely, and this midwife clearly knowledgeable and dedicated, but there was an... energy. Sorry to be so specific. It probably didn't help that after telling her about my blog and giving her one of my blog cards (midwives are usually big lactivists) she asked if I wanted to meet her kiddo who had never had a bottle even though she works full time. Grrr. She readily acknowledged that working at a birth center with a full-time-on-site nanny is not what most women get to do. And of course the kid was adorable. Also she was very young, and I think I need a midwife my age or older. Which is not fair but there it is. Anyway, I'm going to trust my gut on this one, see how the second birth center is, and if I like the first one better they do have nine midwives, some of them are bound to click for me.

One interesting analogy has struck me in recent days with this little project. I have met a lot of medical professionals who are very dismissive about what the mama wants in the birth experience, like she is being unreasonable and demanding, and will just have to get what she gets. Nobody says this to you when you are planning a wedding. It's all color schemes and themes and fancy invitations and blah blah blah and make sure the bride is happy. Now I realize that there are seldom serious medical complications for brides (although I bet if there were proper studies on this we would find more than people realize, mostly due to anxiety and families going weird on brides with no warning). But it strikes me that birth is every bit as emotionally important as a wedding. Even more so to those of us whose weddings are waaaaay back in the rear view mirror. Frankly by the time all the planning was in full swing I would have been happy to keep the money and elope, but I'm glad I didn't. But my point is, we've gone all weird on birth in this country and we treat it like you've got some sort of odd malady to be survived, rather than a miracle in your belly which is to be celebrated at every possible moment. This is dumb and I ain't gonna put up with it this time. I won't make my doula wear a bridesmaid dress, but I am going to do everything I can to make this go well and be enjoyable. And after all that, if hypothetical Kiddo #2 has to come out the escape hatch, I hope I will be able to be at peace with it.

More boob juice next time, promise.

Much love,
Suzi

PS - in case anyone reading this is still baking their bun, please don't be freaked out about c-section. I got all disappointed about mine but it's totally survivable and sometimes really is best for one or both parties involved. First day afterwards was a belly ache and felt like a nasty flu, and then got better and better. Abdominal soreness lasted longer than I expected but was totally tolerable. So please don't freak yourself out about it. You have survived worse, I'm sure.