Location, Location, Location

Hello all! Firstly, let me wish you all a happy holiday season. Don't forget to nurse in a huge line at a crowded retail establishment. Good times for all.

So, on my flight to (from?) the midwest in the fall, I found myself pulling a couple of real stunts with the kiddo, and it made me wonder about all the crazy places moms have nursed and pumped. So I solicited contributions to this list. I'll start with my own:

Nursed: airplane bathroom. This is a little gross, but I was desperate to pee, and kiddo was miserable unless he was on the boob. The flight attendant was impressed.
Pumped: probably the previously discussed multitasking commute. Have also done hotel bathroom (ew) and parked in various interesting places.

Here are some from other moms, with the identifying information deleted or changed:

Patriotic nursing: The National Cathedral, The National Portrait Gallery and the Capitol Building (two boob salute!)

Boobjuice to go please: Airplanes, truck stops, parked at scenic overlooks, and (this sounds like no fun) leaning over the car seat while the car is in motion. Also sounds no fun: pumping in a train bathroom. Ew.

Working Dinner: Break room at work, car at job interview, "on call" room in a hospital during residency, and of course, pumping in the office or bathroom (ugh - crappy employer if you ask me!) Mama S.McD. wins for nursing in her advisor's office when they were discussing finishing her dissertation. Mama C.C. wins the pumping one in this category: the rather nicely appointed Ladies' Lounge at a (restaurant name not disclosed) in the middle of a dinner with clients - that impressed me - I would have been too anxious to let down.

Boobjuice al fresco: In an outdoor mall bathroom, Central Park, on a log resting during a hike, on an over 12,000 ft hike on a Colorado mountain top, Nursing Tent at the Indiana State Fair (go Hoosiers!)

Partyboobs: In a wine bar (mine! heh!), at restaurants, social clubs, an indoor water park.

Training Young Captiatlists: Ikea, Home Depot, Ladies' Lounge at Nordstrom's.

There are more I'm sure - send me your comments! But the takeaway here, ladies, is you should be free to pump and nurse wherever you need to, so please feel assured that another mom has done something weirder, no matter where you're about to put the girls to work. No one would think twice about whipping out a bottle of formula there, and there should be no location penalty for giving your baby the best food possible.

Happy nursing ladies!

How Moms Go Crazy?

It's 2:46 a.m. on Sunday morning. In a quasi-desperate attempt to keep the fridge stocked, I am pumping breastmilk at an hour when only people in their early twenties wearing something sparkly should know what the world looks like. (I am not in my early 20's.) Kiddo has been waking up anywhere from 1-4 in the morning to nurse for a couple weeks (at least) now, which pretty much thwarts my previous pattern of getting up at 4:30 or even 5 to pump a big harvest of sleep-generated milk. Although I *think* the waking has been trending later, I can't really be relied upon to accurately collect data at that hour, and I may be counting two data points as a trend. So I set my alarm for 2:30 to be able to get a good pumping session in before Kiddo wakes up, and consoled myself that I get to go back to bed right afterwards. And whine at you guys, of course!

One trick I have used before when Kiddo wakes up right before my alarm is to try to slake his thirst with just one boob. They're so full at that hour, it usually works, and then I can pump and the other one produces a bunch. The nursed side usually produces a little hind milk which I just toss into the bottle or bag with the larger producing side. But the last few weekdays he has woken up twice, or demanded both sides, or other activities such that I never got to pump. And yesterday I figured I'd better take the chance to catch up on sleep a little rather than pull some crazy stunt like this. I'm remembering the mom I cited in an earlier post who pumped in her airplane bathroom while she piloted a plane in the military... I've still got it easier than that! (Say, I wonder if she'll ever find out about my blog? Hey, pilot mama! You're awesome!)

So you know how we all think our moms are weird in some way or another? I'm starting to understand how mine got that way. Besides this crazy intense love I feel for my kid, which makes me do weird things like sniff the back of his neck while he is smearing banana all over his high chair, I'm starting to think this sleep deprivation is going to be for the loooong haul. Not just those first few months where you're nursing every 90 minutes sometimes, not just the first year, but maybe something is going to keep me from sleeping eight consecutive hours... ever again. This cannot be good for the psyche. I mean, if sleep deprivation were healthy, it wouldn't be an interrogation technique. Say, I wonder if that works on moms?
"Talk, woman! Tell me the location of the secret rebel base!"
"Huh? What's the matter, sweetie, you need a diaper?"

Bessie's Dance

I have accumulated some tips and tricks for making pumping as successful as possible, which I have shared with other moms and discovered are not as commonly known as I might have thought. Most of them I got from my Doula and friend, Nancy, who is a wealth of useful information. She's also the one who told me that for pink eye I can put breastmilk in baby's eye - I thought that was nuts but then my pediatrician told me the same thing, and it helped. So I felt bad for ever doubting her. But I digress.

This is a long post, so I'll summarize the steps at the bottom.

Here is a description of one pumping session. I'll do my whole work day schedule another time. Note that all the usual disclaimers apply - I am NOT a lactation consultant or educator, I do NOT know what will work best for any individual mom, and I will NOT be held responsible for any ill effects from employing these techniques (although they're all pretty mild, hard to imagine what they would be). YOU are the momma, you know best what works for you and your little bundle of joy, and you are woman enough to make that decision without my help. This is just a description of what worked for me, which I share in the hopes that it will help other moms too.

The key to getting good results when pumping is to RELAX. The pump does not get as much as the baby by a long shot, and if you are all tense, it ain't gonna happen. So this means relaxing before you start and distraction while it's running. So I always pump at the computer, although in front of the TV would work. I have pumped at like 3:30 in the morning a couple times, so I read a book, which is less likely to make me unable to fall back asleep than the shiny glowing screen.

So. First step is to wash my hands. Then get all the gear together and make sure I'm going to be comfortable. So obviously that's Bessie the Breastpump, clean parts for same, and my boobs. A glass of water is totally key, as all breastfeeding moms will recall. I often also have a snack handy, or some tea, or whatever I'm noshing on at that moment. I also make sure my office door is locked and the curtains are closed, or that I've got a blanket nearby (home) in case I get chilly.

Next I take a moment to breathe. It helps me to look at my hands, palms up, and take a few slow, deep breaths. I'm not someone who can meditate with my eyes closed - it doesn't ground me, it just sets my brain free to race around at an even more manic pace. But looking at my hands works well for me - sort of reminds me, "I'm here, now." And deep breathing, of course, as we little yoginis are all wont to do. This may totally not work for you, so if it doesn't, try something else - perhaps a prayer, or give yourself a little one minute neck rub. Just keep it positive. "Thank you Lord for the amazing gift of the ability to nourish my adorable child," as opposed to, "Please let me get more milk this time or I'll just cry." Again, relaxing is key.

Then I get all set up. I keep a fleece jacket on my chair at work, so if I wore something that really needs to be removed for pumping, I can just slip into that to keep warm. Once the girls are free of their fabric housing, I do a little breast massage. This is also a Nancy tip, although I think I also read it in one of my books. So I gently place my fingers on the breasts below the nipples and do little circles. Then outside of the nipples, then inside, then above. Gently enough to be comfortable, firmly enough to stimulate the milk ducts. If I'm lucky enough to have slept through the night and be pumping before nursing Kiddo, then I am somewhat engorged and massage even more gently. I have to reach across with opposite arm, one side at a time, for a couple of the positions. I make sure to make the circles slow (it's a massage, not a sports rub-down) and count that I do at least eight per position - twelve is better.

Next is lube (yet another Nancy tip!). Pumping on dry skin is very uncomfortable. I am using Motherlove Diaper rash and Thrush ointment, but I have also used Nipple Butter or just water. I think the water is hardest to get where you want it and doesn't have the staying power of a lubricant. Plain olive oil might work too. Lanolin doesn't work as well, is harder to get off the pump parts, and is a no-no if you are combatting thrush. The amount can be a little tricky - enough to make the skin slip easily in and out of the breastshields, but not too much or the shields will slip around too easily and the nipple won't stay centered. You can wipe some off with a tissue if needed.

I use a hands-free pumping band, and if you are pumping more than occasionally, I highly recommend one. The one I like best is the "Made by Moms Pumping Band," but there may be other good ones out there. I think La Leche League or someone makes a "pumping bra," which might be good. I tried a pumping "bustier," which was crap. Since it had no straps, there was almost nothing but faith to hold up the apparatus. So I ended up using one hand to hold up the bustier, so it was more of a "one hand pumping bustier." Getting the nipple shields set up well with the pumping band took some practice. One trick is to press them gently into the breast as you are placing them, and see if the nipple points straight into the tube. I used to use a mirror, that helps too. And then it's time to hook up the rest of the pump to the nipple shields and start the pump. I watch the first few cycles to make sure I have the nipples placed well in the shields, and often have to make some sort of adjustment. It's worth the hassle of re-placing the shields a few times to make sure you've got a good placement.

Okay, now I'm pumping! This is the point at which it might help to look at a picture of the baby, or listen to baby's cry. I got my husband to email me an mp3 of Kiddo crying when I first got back to work, to help with let down. (Remember when you learned that your boobs could hear, because whenever the baby cried your milk let down?) But after a few moments of adoring, I find it best to get back to work, or read email, or something totally unrelated. The best way to get frustrated with pumping breastmilk is to sit and watch the pump bottles and fret over each drop that does or doesn't appear. I set a timer for ten minutes and don't look (or almost don't look) again until it goes off.

When the timer goes off, I look to see if milk is still coming out. I usually gently massage the breasts to see if there's more waiting to come out. I don't think this is officially endorsed by the lactation types, or that one is supposed to do breast compression rather than what I do, which is gently stroke from chest towards nipple. So I'm not recommending that - for all I know I'm doing something detrimental (seems unlikely?) but that's what I do and it helps. If I get more than a drop or two, I set the timer for maybe three more minutes and then do it again. When I don't get any more or only a drop or two, I let the pump go two or three more minutes and then I'm done. At any rate I rarely go over 20 minutes and it's usually more like 15.

After I'm done, the first priority is to secure the milk. I've spilled milk after pumping, and it's heartbreaking. So I take the band and shields off, and set the pump going with just the tubes attached to dry them out, and then move straight to securing the milk. I use milk storage bags at work, and sometimes at home, although sometimes I just combine the milk into one of the bottles (if I'm lucky enough to get more than four ounces I'll use both) and put a sticky note with the date on it and stick it in the fridge. If I'm using the bags, I test to be sure I've gotten it sealed sightly by gently squeezing the bag to see if air or milk comes out the top. I got breastmilk all over my desk this way once (and only once!). But better that then the shared work fridge!

One is probably supposed to wash out the pump parts with hot water and soap after each usage. When I'm pumping at work, I just rinse out with water, shake them out a bit, and put them loose in the top of my pump bag on a paper towel to air dry. This results in needing to dry them out a little with a tissue before the next session, but less than if I try to get them all the way dry with a paper towel right after washing them. I am not advocating just rinsing - this is a decision you'll have to make for yourself. I also boil my pump parts after each day of use, but that's a topic for another post.

So there you have it!

As promised, here's a summary of the steps above:
Wash hands
Collect equipment, water, snacks, etc.
(Wash hands again if you did anything funky like butter your toast while collecting equipment)
RELAX
Massage
Lube
Attach pump, turn on, correct placement if necessary
Relax again, adore baby as inspiration for let down
Distraction!
Check if done yet
Pump a few minutes past "dry"
Secure milk
Clean up

One follow up note - I used to worry a lot about not pumping too close to when Kiddo might want to nurse again. This made pumping an even bigger logistical nightmare. Then a lactation consultant assured me that, since the baby is so much more effective at extracting milk than the pump, one's breasts really only need a quick break after pumping before nursing. By the time all the milk storage and cleanup is done, I've gone to the bathroom, and refilled my water glass, the girls are ready to go. Kiddo is wise to this now and sometimes complains that the milk doesn't come out as fast as at 4 in the morning when I'm engorged and haven't nursed or pumped in hours. But he does get enough to fill his tummy. Switching back and forth a bit can help too.

Happy pumping ladies!!!

Assorted Updates

Hello dear boobjuicers and friends! I hope you all had a lovely Thanksgiving. It seems time to do a little updating - I have a tendency to write as therapy when I'm upset and then not write more when I'm feeling better, which may have left readers with the impression that I am wallowing in angst at all times. Not true! So a few follow-up items.

I'm feeling better about the working while breastfeeding question. A few days at home alone with Kiddo reminded me why hubby is better suited for this gig than I am. I also realized that, one way or another, it's going to be a hassle. Breadwinning with a kid is a hassle, not breadwinning with a kid is a hassle. It helps me sometimes to put everything in the context of the pioneer people. What did Laura Ingalls Wilder's mom (Caroline Ingalls) do with her babies? She didn't have a nanny or day care to look after them while she made cheese and did laundry by hand. So gains in efficiency from increased productivity over the decades have improved living standards quite a lot, but the modern day equivalent of strapping the baby to my chest in a deer skin while making cheese is, in my case, Bessie the Breastpump.

Another point that has sort of sunk in a bit better is that I am choosing this hassle, because it is the best and most palatable arrangement for me. I don't want to give up my breadwinning job, even if I thought it were economically feasible, because I'm much, much happier with the contrast of parenting and external employment than I was with the latter before parenting or would be with the former without a day job. I am choosing the breastfeeding because I love it (and of course because it is what is best for Kiddo but let's be honest, I have my selfish reasons too, see previous post). And I chose to live 30 miles from work because it was the best compromise at the time, for reasons of both socializing and compromise between job locations. That last one is the one we've changed our mind on - our lease is up in December, and we hope to move soon after that.

I'm swallowing a lot fewer pills. I gave up on the fenugreek, which was really doing a number on my intestines. Shortly afterwards I had a very reassuring conversation with my lactation consultant, who feels that I do not have a supply problem. I haven't totally given up on the grapefruit seed extract, but I think I will. I think it may have chased off the thrush another 5%, but I've got another round of fluconazole waiting for me at the pharmacy. Eh, I'll keep up with the GSE for now, who knows. I could also go another round of gentian violet... soon I'll actually write this thrush entry. It's not my most fun topic on the "what I could write on my blog" list, as you may well imagine.

Last bit of update - Kiddo and I went to Portland to visit Aunt Cathy and Uncle Erick all by ourselves! And I was remarkably less frazzled by the whole thing than I feared I would be. I added an extra hour to the time I allowed for getting to the airport than I did pre-kid, and of course did not wind up at my gate an extra hour early, but I think the real trick is just having enough time that when hiccups occur they aren't an emergency because we have time to deal with them. I still got pretty anxious when Kiddo was noisy on the plane, which is probably silly. I'm getting better at trying to time his nursing and other food so that he's interested in nursing during the landing when he needs it to help his ears, but even so, he's not interested long enough to get through the whole landing. Ah, well, nothing is perfect.

Product review: Bras!

Hello dear boobjuicers and friends! First a quick update: I'm off the fenugreek, which was really doing a number on my intestines, and I think my supply has actually improved. Probably because I've chilled a notch.

Okay, Bras!!! So a wise friend of mine told me before I was even pregnant, "You can't go cheap on nursing bras." She was right. I got a couple of underwire (no no!) bras from one of those convenient maternity chains in the mall, and they suck. Uncomfortable, unflattering, just un. Plus, I've since learned, underwire bras can cause mastitis. Ugh.

One notch up would be Medela. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not dissing Medela - they made my dear Bessie, after all. But two things. One, they run WAY SMALL. In everything - I've tried a post-partum tummy support, bras, and the bamboo nursing cami (which is really soft but the openings for the breasts are too small), and I would warn everyone, buy at LEAST one size larger than you normally do. So, one size larger than you are buying now, not one size larger than your pre-baby size. So I don't currently own any of their bras. The sleep bra was very soft and nice, and would have been great, if it wasn't tiny. And since I've been struggling with thrush, I couldn't even donate that sucker - had to trash it. And the second thing, and really this is the case for most companies - their nursing tanks are very loose. If you want a tight one for layering, so far as I can tell, you have to find a Noppies cami. But that is a topic for another post.

Next notch up is Bravado. I have two different styles of bra from them. I have one Microfiber Nursing Bra. This is great if your nipples don't like to get mooshed, because the cups are really soft. The downside of that is they aren't very smooth, so you won't want to wear it under a sheer or silky top, or even a tight t-shirt. Or maybe you will, if you're not as "no details showing" obsessed as I am. I find that the band has become tighter over time, or else I've just started noticing it more, so if I got another one I'd get a size larger on the band than I measure. This may be due to the several times I've had to nuke my bras in hot water and dryer, again, due to thrush. I also have their Body Silk Seamless Nursing Bra. I have two of these- soooo comfy. Also the most discreet, with the slide in padding for smoothness. A little bit of a nipple-masher, but okay if you're not at the very beginning of things, or not having any latching problems. With the inserts in, it's not the most breathable thing in the world, but if you go braless around the house it's not so bad.

Then there are the uber-princess bras, Bella Materna. I got these from my lactation consultant, who measured me and had me try them on carefully with nursing pads, which is probably part of why they fit so well. Soft, microfiber, breathable, no nipple mashing. Also nothing left to the imagination, be that you or your nursing pads. But under a lot of tops it doesn't matter. I have the Women's Adjustable Anytime Nursing Bralet (Okay, women's? Who else would be nursing, or wearing a bra for that matter? And why is it a Bralet and not a whole bra?). This one is great with a Boob Designs top (a review for another post but I LOVE my Boob Designs shirt and dress) because you just sort of yank all the fabric out of the way, totally minimal fuss with kiddo in public. Sometimes I feel like the bra(let) encroaches on Kiddo's activities a bit, but I can just re-yank and it's fine. On the bra(let), not Kiddo.

I also have a Bella Materna Women's Ruched Clip Nursing Bralet. (Again, looks like a whole bra to me, and they didn't have one for the husband...) This one is great because the whole cup really gets out of your way easily to nurse or pump, and it works well under my noppies nursing tank (again, another post!). Otherwise, same comments as for the other Bralet - soft, breathable, comfortable, doesn't conceal well but doesn't mash nipples either.

Both the Bravado Seamless and the Bella Maternas have fared very well through repeated hot water washings and a few machine dryings as part of the anti-thrush protocol. After a few goes in this hot wash routine, the inserts for the Bravado Seamless started to come apart a bit, but to be fair, they really aren't meant to be treated that way.

I would caution you all, as you likely have already observed, that most retailers will NOT accept returns on anything that says "nursing" on it, because they are assuming that you have deliberately squirted milk all over it and sent it back out of malice. Okay, okay, they have some valid reasoning here. But my point is, get measured by a real professional (many lactation consultants do this) if at all possible and buy one or two at a time and see how you like them.

One last warning. These non-underwire, well-made, comfortable, expensive bras have spoiled me and the girls, and we aren't going to be able to go back to the underwire, mass produced, cheaper stuff I used to wear. We've been promoted to Queen and Ladies in Waiting, and we're going to demand the best. So hopefully some of these brands make regular bras...

Boob Juice to Go!

So, I think in a previous post I talked about why I would not be pumping while commuting, yes? Well, so much for that! Necessity is the mother of invention - and motherhood is the mother of necessity. So I found myself unable to complete my fourth round with Bessie until it was time to go home, so yup! I pumped whilst commuting. Now, before anyone freaks out and calls CHP on me, I did all the set up while still parked safely in the parking lot (after moving the car to face a bush instead of the sidewalk), and I did the take-down at home in my garage (furtively glancing left and right for neighbors). So while driving, all I had to do was reach over and turn off the pump after enough time had passed, and be careful with my elbows. And I covered myself with my fleece jacket, so I wasn't even exposed while driving. So not nearly as racy or wild as it sounds! But still, a notch in my belt and more cred behind my "have boobs, will travel!" motto. Which I just adopted. Like it?

And the Big Purple Pill Does This...

Before anyone reads this, goes and takes a bunch of stuff, has some unfortunate reaction, and sues me, let me disclaim: This is MY daily regimen, not a recommendation. I came to this routine through doctors' recommendations and reading too much, and I am in no way advocating it for someone else, nor will I be held responsible if anyone is doopid enough to think that just because I'm doing something means it's a good idea for them. Use your own brain people! Don't be outsourcing to my sleep deprived mass of grey cells.

But I thought it might be entertaining to read the list of pills a very healthy 36-year-old will swallow in a day in a quest to stay healthy, make her kid healthy, and stave off various genetic threats. So, here is my daily regimen of supplements:

Wake up. Pump milk. Take one capsule of macrobiotics (15 billion organisms per pill, half lactobacillus, half bifidus or something to that effect) on empty stomach.

With breakfast: one pre-natal vitamin with Omega-3s. (No, I'm not pregnant. Pediatrician said keep taking 'em as long as I'm breastfeeding. Besides, they're good vitamins.) Two fiber capsules. One iron (37 mg?), one vitamin C, 500 mg (mostly to help absorb the iron). Four fenugreek supplements.

With lunch: Two calcium (250 mg each) with Vitamin D, one magnesium (250 mg). Unless I have a bunch of dairy at lunch, in which case I try to take these later with a snack, because you can only absorb 500 mg of calcium at once, and I don't want to waste it. Four fenugreek. Adding today: Two grapefruit seed extract, 125 mg each.

Get home, take another macrobiotic on empty stomach (supposedly - realistically, I forget and take these after dinner with other pills, hoping that the empty stomach thing is an optimizing step, not a fundamentally necessary condition.) Nurse baby (such a lovely contrast from work and commuting!) Throw some food down my gullet. Take last pair of calcium with another magnesium, and four more fenugreek.

So, if you lost count, that's 27 pills a day. Did I mention that I'm perfectly healthy? Well, okay, except the thrush I keep threatening to write about. But I'm pretty sure my dad was taking fewer pills when he was fighting terminal colon cancer. It just seems a little silly.

The fenugreek is a galactagogue (SUCH a fun word to say! Like a cheap comic book bad guy.... Oh no, it's Galactagogue! DUN dun DUN dun DUN dun... aaaaaaah! but it means something that helps you make more milk) and frankly I noticed more of an improvement after adding the magnesium this week. So I'll probably get to the weekend when I can afford to experiment a little better and start phasing out the fenugreek to see what happens. I don't stink as much anymore so I'm wondering if my body is adjusting to it - one is told that it only works if one is fenugREEKing. Hee hee.

The fiber is a long-standing habit - when you lose your dad to colon cancer, if you so much as get diarrhea after some bad sushi, the GI docs want to turn you inside out looking for polyps and put you on fiber for life. Which is fine, harmless enough. And frankly, I'm pretty anti-colon cancer and pro-preventative medicine and cautionary behavior. So fiber it is. And any of you who are due for a colonoscopy better get one or so help me I will find something worse and subject you to it. Really, the test isn't so bad, it's the prep that's unpleasant, and that's not even as bad as the aforementioned sushi mishap.

But I digress. My point is, what did women do before we could just pop down to the corner hippie freak grocery store (I say this with love and full acknowledgement that I, in many ways, am also a hippie freak) and buy crazy numbers of supplements? And what are women with less money doing? I mean, we're on a tight budget these days, but if the doctor tells me to spend $30 per month on macrobiotics, I can do it. Many of us can't.

Some of these are just a way of restoring ourselves to a more natural diet - the omega-3s are replacing fish, for example. I like fish but it's too expensive and full of mercury to eat as often as I would have to in order to get enough of these fabulous fats, which our ancestors got by just eating fish out of the nearby river or ocean. But really, did, for example, Navaho Indian women have access to mass quantities of fenugreek around 1350? I'm thinking not. I could be wrong. Of course there are a lot of galactagogues, and plenty native to this continent, I'm sure. But I wonder if I am lucky to live in this time of ease and plenty or if what I don't realize is that I wouldn't have needed these things long ago? Eh, doesn't matter, I am when I am.

Robert stirreth, off I go.

Back Home Again, in California...

Hoosiers will recognize the song reference. Maybe. Or people who have been to the Indy 500. Anyway, I am home on a "personal day" today, essentially because there isn't enough boobjuice in the fridge to get through even half the day of me being away from Robert. He's had a week (probably a growth spurt) of waking up anywhere from 11 p.m. to 4 a.m., hungry. The closer to 5 a.m. he nurses, the less likely I can pump anything meaningful at 5 when I get up. Wednesday or Thursday morning (can't remember now, it's a blur) he started making noises at 2:30 in the morning, so I leapt up to pump before I missed my shot. So of course he fell back asleep and didn't need to nurse until 6, which means I could have waited until 5 to pump and gotten a lot more. But there's no way to know that at 2:30 a.m.

You know, in a way, this is a lot like investing. You don't know what the markets are going to do in any one moment, so you have to go with your best guess, based on careful observation and being as objective as possible. And then, no matter what you did, sometimes you'll guess wrong, and in hindsight, see a dozen reasons why you should have done it the other way. Only in this case, there are no empirical models or research papers on "when is my kid going to wake up hungry, and when is he going to make it through the night." Plus guessing right, while satisfying, is less likely to be lucrative. Well, except that it would enable me to stay at work.

Which brings me to my major point for the day. I'm not sure this is worth it. I'm exhausted, and while I've improved a lot on this point, I spend a lot of time at work being anxious about providing enough breastmilk for Robert. I asked my boss for Wednesdays at home again (no answer back yet but he was clearly not enamored of the idea) but even with that one day, I don't know if it would be so much better - of the six or eight weeks that I have supposedly been full time in the office, most of them have involved some sort of exception, and I think I've only had two weeks where I really spent five days in the office. Then there's what goes on for these office days. Feeding times and commuting mean I can't really stay longer or get there earlier, and with all the pumping setup and cleanup, I'm lucky to get 7 real hours of work in, which includes eating while I work (uncivilized at best, gross and detrimental to my keyboard at worst). We can get rid of the commute in December when our lease is up, but I'm not sure moving to a fairly isolated, expensive (albeit lovely) village is really the best answer. And I think I would still have a hard time with it, if I was trying to be in the office every day. It would just be easier to run home or have Matt run Robert to the office if needed.

So given that we are an all-boobjuice family, I'm wondering - is me working full time really worth it? I mean, yeah, one of us has to. And I don't think I could give up work altogether and stay sane/nice. But I could go part time, in a more sales or consultant focused position, nights and weekends (not all of both obviously but I bet I could sneak in ten hours a week). What we're really talking about here, even if we have three kids, is a 5-6 year hiatus in my work life. I can avoid a hole on the resume (and, to some degree, in my brain) by working part time. And then we can keep the baby near the boobies. Progressive (and stubborn) though I may be, I have to acknowledge a certain, purely biological sense to that.

Well, kiddo is waking up from his (rather short) nap, so off I go.

A Shoe Named After Me?

So, Kiddo and I had a lovely weekend. I let hubby sleep in yesterday to recover from his rough week. Then we had a glamorous family date night at Johnny Rocket's, followed by me going to bed at - yep - 8 p.m. To my credit, I did stay up until 10 Friday, and failed to really nap on Saturday. Then today was productive and companionable, just baby and Mama, including cleaning the kitchen and boiling all Bessie's washable parts (wait for the posting on thrush - it'll be a real page turner) washing my nursing bras and other gentles, and making a pot of soup. We had a walk and a brief visit with Andrew (and his parents) downstairs. The biggie - I got a 1 hour yoga DVD done this morning and a shower immediately following, when Matt was on duty before heading out to the theatre. We're talking a premo weekend people.

And the whole thing made me realize, I really do think I'll do better with an out-of-the-house job than trying to be the stay-at-home parent. I think it dawned on me when I realized I was spending the whole afternoon trying to carve out time to do something intellectually stimulating. Like reading while nursing - doesn't work as well now that I have to defend myself from Kiddo's rapidly developing "pincer grasp" the whole time. And I got sick of the tune stuck in my head to which I was making up words for whatever was going on. You know, there really isn't much that rhymes with Robert.

Just call me Captain Flip Flop. Sigh. We'll see how I feel at 4:45 in the morning when the alarm goes off to send me to Bessie again. I know either way has its advantages and draw backs. And I suspect my recently increased interest in staying at home is significantly (but not wholly) fueled by the return of the very busy time in our quarterly cycle, including doing not fabulously on my writing projects.

Will she go to work tomorrow? Or will she start buying lottery tickets? Find out next week on, "As the Mood Turns!"

Bessie at the Office

Bessie is a Medela Pump-in-Style electric dual breast pump. That's right people - I named my breast pump. After a cow. Not just any cow, mind you, but my colleague's best cow when she was growing up. Okay, fine, I named the breast pump and THEN she told me about the cow. But anyway, I think it is a very fitting name for her. Plus it's just easier at work - "I gotta go see Bessie," or "That Bessie is such a slave driver." Instead of, "I can't, I have to pump now" or "Yes, really, four times during the work day."

It took a lot longer than I thought it would to figure out the whole pumping at work thing. I've gotten pretty efficient at it, and it still takes me a half hour round trip, just over half of which is the actual pumping time. I use a hands-free pumping band, which I hope to review soon on this blog, so I can be on the computer while I'm waiting for Bessie and the girls to work their magic.

I've gotten a feel for what times of day I'm going to need to pump - there is some wiggle room of course but to get all the sessions done with enough time in between to rest there isn't as much flexibility as one might like. So when someone asks in the hall, "can you talk about that at 2?" I can say, "Unless you only need 15 minutes, better make it 3."

The law provides (I think... should check that) that employers must let you pump every three hours, but I find I need to do more like every 2.5 hours. Otherwise I can't get in four, and I go too long on the way home and/or supply decreases. I'm lucky - I have my own office, with a door, and can just sit at my desk to pump, not hide in the file room or oust someone else from their work space. I read (somewhere on some forum I'm no longer on) about a mom in the Air Force (I think - maybe Navy?) who is a pilot. She was pumping in the bathroom on her plane (a feat in itself) to get supply for her baby while she's flying. So if she can do that, I should woman up and do my job in my cushy office and not complain.

A friend told me about an acquaintance who actually pumps on her commute home. That seems sort of brilliant, except for the part where I'm sitting in the car doing all the set up in the parking lot of my workplace. I have gotten pretty good at pumping in the car but I don't love it and it takes enough extra set-up to remain modest (read: not get arrested or gawked at) that I don't actually think it would save me that much time. Plus then of course I'll get stuck in a traffic jam and not be able to take off the pump and shields, and of course I could safely turn off the pump while I'm driving, but something tells me trying to store breastmilk and put my bra back together while barreling down the 210 at 70 mph is just not a sound decision. Perhaps this other mom's commute is just the right length - anyway, my hat is off to her, but it ain't for me. Although to be fair I've pumped in my car three times now and no one has even walked by at an inconvenient moment.

My co-workers recognize the sound Bessie makes over the phone - I think I freaked one of them out with it - I thought he wouldn't be able to hear her, but he said, "what's that sound?" and I said, "I'm sorry, is that too weird? I could call you back..." He graciously finished the conversation but I suspect I was the subject of much sports bar mocking later that week.

So lately I've really been struggling with the whole working while breastfeeding thing. I'm struggling to feel like I'm doing well at work, I'm struggling to have enough breastmilk at home for my baby, and I'm struggling to remember that we really do need the money and I really shouldn't just quit. It would be much more responsible to let my husband get a job first and then quit, or at least go part time for a while to give him a chance to look. Right?

Totally Mom-Focused Reasons to Breastfeed

1.) So. Cuddly. I get the baby all to myself, can even take him back from extended family with less arguing than other times and get to cuddle him alllll to myself. Hahahahahaha.
2.) Burn off pregnancy fat. Totally helps. Something like 500 calories a day. Even if I had the time I wouldn't spend that long on the elliptical trainer.
3.) Less risk of breast cancer. Although who knows, scientific studies contradict each other all the time.
4.) Gee, honey, I seem to have forgotten something before I started nursing again, would you mind bringing me...
5.) Keep those great pregnancy boobs a little longer.
6.) Healthier baby means less getting puked on, driving to the pediatrician, etc.
7.) (fluff feathers, wiggle tail) Hey, check out that cute, thriving baby. I did that with my boobs! (Strut, strut.)
8.) No marginal cost per bottle (I can't put "free," I'm too big of an Economics dork)
9.) Totally portable, no accessories needed. Okay, maybe a shawl if you're not here in Cali where we can get away with brazen breastfeeding.
10.) Oxytocin is good stuff. Courses through the system like peace on Earth when the baby gets the girls going.
11.) Instant peace for (from?) wailing baby.
11.a) amusing sound when putting wailing baby to breast: WHHHHAAAAAAAOOB. I suspect this is where the word "boob" came from.
12.) Every morning before work, no matter how busy work will be, or how late I might be running, I get to hold my baby quietly by myself for at least a few minutes.

Feel free to help me add to this list...

Coming soon...

I need somewhere to share all the funny, frustrating, amazing, weird, painful, joyful, and messy experiences I am having raising my baby on 100% breastmilk while working 40 hours a week. So here it is!